A Hummingbird. A Butterfly.
I don’t know what I’m about to write because I still haven’t completely made sense of it.
And, maybe that’s why I write—to help me solidify my thinking.
We could call this Evoking Transformation because that’s where it all stems from.
I could call this Susan Carlisle because she was the one who told the story.
Or, I could call this Funny Things Happen When We Open Ourselves Up To Them.
I settled on A Hummingbird. A Butterfly.
If any of what’s here—there’s God talk—makes you uncomfortable, definitely keep reading because it’s the uncomfortable that leads to growth.
I know it sure has for me.
Some Context: A Hummingbird
A couple of months after my dad died in April 2020, I wrote this piece as I was navigating grief.
Here’s the “CliffsNotes” version:
I was working on a little quest—the Z-A Project—where I was creating a drawing of a cartoon animal to accompany a name that started with each letter of the alphabet, beginning with Z.
Why?
Well, the best way to achieve a goal is to know your end and then work backwards.
A few days after my dad sidestepped into the mystery that is God, I sat down with the letter O. The drawing would be for Oscar, one of my dad’s care attendants who came in, faithfully, day after day after day to do the shit—literally and figuratively—that no one really wants to do with the sick.
My dad navigated Parkinson’s Disease for 14 years.
The drawing would be a hummingbird.
Why a hummingbird?
I’m not exactly sure, but I just felt pulled to it. And, so, I started looking up the “meaning” of a hummingbird:
tenacity and endurance
always seek out what’s good in life
lifting up negativity
stay adaptable and accept the reality of change with a happy heart
seek out the magic in life
eternity, continuity, infinity
a messenger from Heaven
a sign that the beloved one has successfully made it to the other side and is doing just fine
As a child in our home in Dearborn, MI, I have fond memories of my dad having his own quest: A Hummingbird Project.
He had a hummingbird feeder in our backyard and when one would appear the five Steeles would gather around the window:
“Don’t move,” he’d say. “It’s beautiful…a hummingbird.”
Hummingbirds.
Oscar.
My dad, The Rev. Dr. William Lewis Steele.
I have no clue if this was “why” I was pulled to create a hummingbird for the letter O. All I knew is that they were nice to pair together in the week after my dad’s passing.
A few days later, after a particularly tough day navigating my own grief, Julie and I decided to climb Camelback Mountain in Scottsdale, AZ.
After two hours or so, we made it to the top and found a little spot just for us where we just sat and took in the view.
It’s stunning.
And then Julie, “Look, a hummingbird.”
It danced right in front of us.
Up.
Down.
Side to side.
They subtly move all over—in every direction—when they float in front you.
And this one did just that—floated and danced and jived—right in front of us.
It would leave for a couple of minutes and then come back and do the same thing right in front of us.
Three times: Dancing. Floating. Jiving.
It seemed so free and so full of life.
A sign, to me, that my dad is…
…dancing
…floating
…jiving
…free
Finally.
It was about damn time.
Susan Carlisle—Evoking Transformation
For most of the past year, I’ve been deeply embedded in the certification process through the Co-Active Training Institute.
Beginning in February, I was assigned, with 6 other amazing humans and coaches, to the Champagne Pod.
Susan Carlisle was our Pod leader.
When Susan shows up on camera she has two pictures that sit behind her.
Two beautifully colored flowers.
They are so prominent and you’re immediately drawn to them.
Last week, we had our penultimate session: Evoking Transformation.
Now, I’ve heard the story of the caterpillar transforming into a butterfly hundreds of times in my life.
You probably have, too.
Susan told a story that resonated with me—deeply.
What’s that saying…something along the lines of “you hear things when you’re ready to hear them.”
Last week, I guess I was ready.
I sat mesmerized as Susan told the story of a friend who had caught a caterpillar and watched the entire process of transforming from a caterpillar into a butterfly.
I was transfixed the entire time.
It was magical.
Susan Carlisle is magical—I’ve gotten to witness this for the past 6 months.
And here’s something amazing that happened during that call.
We’ll call it Evoking Transformation.
Like I said, Funny Things Happen When We Open Ourselves Up To Them.
For months, I’d watched Susan on camera and the flowers would stand out so prominently.
As Susan told that story, and as she guided us through our second to last session, I watched Susan take center stage.
The flowers faded into the background.
Susan was the most prominent—the most beautiful—flower on that screen.
It was utterly amazing.
Transfixing.
Like a message from Heaven: Transformation is right in front of us.
Transforming: A Butterfly
That session stuck with me throughout the week.
I even said to Julie at some point, “I’m going through a profound transformation because of CTI—it’s so expansive feeling.”
And here’s where it gets weird. Or, maybe it’s not weird as my Pod members—BrianWestlander and Shavari Shetty—have challenged me: maybe it’s just being open.
Maybe it’s a message from Heaven.
Maybe it’s God.
Throughout the rest of the week, I was seeing butterflies all over the place.
Perhaps not uncommon for a Minnesota summer, but it was hitting me like these little messages:
Transformation is right in front of us.
Transformation is right in front of us.
Transformation is right in front of us.
Last Saturday, after we were having a family picnic at Macalester College, we were walking back to the track so Ezekiel could continue running around.
Me: “Don’t move. It’s beautiful…a butterfly.”
Just like my dad. The four of us—the Steeles—gathered around.
On the ground, in the middle of the campus, was a butterfly with its wings completely spread open.
“Ezekiel, come down here with me.”
I slowly crept toward it and put my finger out.
The butterfly walked right onto my finger.
And, then, for 10 minutes, the four of us sat and watched this butterfly…
…dancing
…floating
…jiving
…free.
It would take off and then come back.
It landed on me.
It landed on Ezekiel.
It kept coming back…
…and back…
…and back.
Be Open to Change
I don’t know what any of this means.
I do know this, though.
Change is possible when we do the deep work.
Amazing things happen when we open ourselves up.
When we’re open to faith, God is all around us.
What’s it look like?
I can’t answer that for you.
What’s it been like for me—so expansive.
I’ll leave you with this:
On Tuesday as we were sitting at breakfast, this picture appeared on my phone—one of those “memories” that Apple likes to pull up.
Julie and I smiled at each other. We told Ezekiel the story.
I looked to my right, out the window of our living room, and there was a hummingbird…
…dancing
…floating
…jiving
…free.
I can’t make this up.
I guess I’ve just opened myself up to it.
I’ve been transformed.
God speaks to us.
Thank you Susan Carlisle.
Evoking Transformation!